I don’t want to document what happened, but I know that later I’ll wish I did, so…boom.
Whatever is going on with me and Mackenzie is really heavy on my heart. She got hit with spiritual warfare about my character, so I got scared and retreated. My perception of everything she says is that it’s condescending. Which is a lie. She came to me and we’re trying to keep an open line of communication, but it’s hard. We’re supposed to lead a group semi-together, and I hate that this is happening.
I’ve been holding everything with a closed fist and really resistant to confrontation. I feel like I’ve been trying to tell God what His plan for me is rather than talking to Him.
It’s so sticky. On one hand, I do feel like Mackenzie is coming down on me, wherever her heart may be. I do think her heart is in the right place, and I need as much grace if not more for my actions. But I feel critiqued. A lot.
And…I thought I could compartmentalize my stress and not let it affect everything else. But I can’t.
I’ve been impatient with two of my roommates, and last night I was pretty disrespectful to one of the girls in my community group. I wasn’t sure if Angela had gotten a chance to tell this girl that our group is splitting, and the girl started talking about wanting to create a GroupMe and a Facebook group for our CG. I cut her off and told her to wait until she talked to Angela. I don’t think I was that rude, but I think my heart behind it really came out. I feel like everything is so out of control, and so I was trying to be a figure in control, in the loop. The girl texted me this morning that I had hurt her feelings. And I realized how much I am projecting.
There are two things I need to do:
Well, three, because ONE is to pray and spend time with Jesus.
I am totally dependent on God. I cannot forget that. It’s so easy to forget about His all-sufficing grace, and my own total depravation.