Getting Real:

Jesus, I don’t really know where to start. Hmm. Word vomit coming up. Disorganized word vomit.

I haven’t changed much. I still play out these theoretical situations in my head, and it warps my perception of reality.

So Angela asked me if there’s any unrepented-of sin in my life when I told her about my depression, and I really wasn’t sure. I’m trying to be honest. And being honest means being vulnerable. I’ve been guarding my heart against You and not against lies, and that’s wrong. So I’m gonna talk about the thing that makes me squirm. The thing I’m in denial about. You’ve walked me through my past (still walk me through my past) and all my nastiness of heart. I’ve prayed about this in my head and haven’t wanted to put in on paper because it reveals so much of how pathetic I am. It’s weird—I managed (through Your grace) to finally get masturbation down on paper but have been too scared to address the boy. I’ve been infatuated and created an idol. There. It’s on paper. I do value the friendship and I’m so grateful for where that friendship has brought me, but my mind has warped the situation. Today during worship, I asked myself if I had the opportunity to be in a relationship with him and You said no, would I have the strength or will to follow You? I wasn’t sure of the answer, and that scared me. And revealed a lot. Father, I need Your grace and heart change. This is not where You have called me right now, and this is not where my identity lies. Crush all other gods in my heart. There is no competition.

God, I feel like I’m grabbing for a high but having a hard time finding anything substantial.

Lord, thank you for making me eat my words.

Right now I feel so inadequate. Jesus, I am inadequate without You. It’s only through You that I can do anything. Forgive me, for getting bogged down with results that I deam satisfactory. Holy Spirit, thank You for Your perfect work.

Show me the point of me coming to this retreat, Jesus.

Lord, I’ve checked some of these girls off, and I wanna repent of that.

Thank You for Your Spirit. Thank You for Your work in my heart. Let me walk in Your plan, not mine.

Jesus, I am so incredibly humbled by what You can do and what You are doing.

So scattered.

Jesus, I’m having a hard time articulating my heart to my head. I’m feeling a lot of things and sometimes it feels like they cancel each other out.

Give me ears to listen to Your voice.

Let me mean these words, Lord. My thoughts are sinful, but You cleanse my heart and transform the core of who I am.

I am unworthy to be called an apostle, the least of the apostles, because I have hated God in my heart. Because I have destroyed His temple. Because I have feared man and not God. Because I’ve given away parts of myself to ungodly men and fallen into sexual sin. Because I’ve kissed girls to get attention and satisfy my curiosity. Because I’ve struggled with masturbation. Because my motivations have been for evil. Because I’ve been cruel to my family, especially my sister, even when she was suicidal. Because I’m depressed. Because I’m rebellious. Because I’m judgmental, self-centered, and self-righteous. Because I fake it.

“But by the grace of God, I am what I am, and His grace towards me was not in vain. On the contrary,  I worked harder than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me.”

For my sin is dead. The sin in my heart is no longer who I am, but clinging remnants of a self that has been nailed to the cross with Christ and has died.

For it is not me who lives, but Christ who lives within me. I am not my own, but I belong to Jesus, because He loved me and called me to receive His mercy. It has already been done, I am defined as a daughter of God.

One with Himself, I cannot die. My soul is purchased by His blood. My life is hidden with Christ on high, with Christ my Savior and my God.