Jesus, I feel overwhelmed right now. I don’t know if it’s just physics or if I’m doing too much or if it’s a combination of the two, but right now I’m tired.

Sustain me, God. Let me not lose sight of where I’m going, which is towards You. My identity is not in all of these things I’m doing, but in You.

Here’s my heart, Lord, and it’s Yours.

What I’m doing.

School. Science classes. Biochem, physics, sociology. I’m supposed to be putting a minimum of 39 hours into this.

Leading small group. There are some girls that need to be poured into. I’ve had a one-on-one with almost all of them, more than one with some.

Nannying. Once a week, but extra this week.

Reception volunteering at the church. This time can overlap with studying, but this week there was so much busyness there that I didn’t get a lot done. So that’s 7.5 hours each week.

Greet team at church. I’m quitting and doing kid’s ministry instead, gotta get on that.

Counseling class, two hours on Sunday.

Church.

Disciple class, 1.5 hours a week.

Lunch get-togethers. Dinner get-togethers.

Time in the Word.

Leadership meeting next week.

I don’t wanna become proud of my busyness or defined by it. I’m doing alot.

Open my hands and my heart, Lord. You have given me wisdom from the Spirit. Sustain me, Jesus, according to Your love and mercy. These things I’m doing don’t give me any worth. Nothing can challenge my identity as Your daughter.

Heart Check. Again. Jesus, I am not desiring You. Why is it so natural to turn away and be distracted? I’m frustrated because I feel like I take every good thing You give and turn it into an idol. I have a hard time not swinging between idolatry and despair.

Jesus, I want to find joy in You. I want to desire You and walk forward in confidence through You. Give me a lasting foundation on You, let me not be swept away.

Lord, I’m restless, which is a fancy way of saying bored. Give me a zeal for You.

Overwhelming sense of the Holy Spirit last night. I was feeling really horrible about past sins. Not even sin from my partying days, but before. The way I treated Madison and led her to sin and where my heart was and that I was genuinely a really bad little kid.

All of those things are true, but God is so faithful. I cannot even understand how He would choose me. There is no good reason.

But he did. He even worked for it, to change my heart.

“Have I any pleasure in the death of the wicked, declares the Lord God, and not rather that he should turn from his way and live?”
~Ezekial 18:23 

“But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; god chose what is weak int eh world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, ‘Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.’”
~1 Corinthians 1:27-31 

God right now I feel unqualified. This is probably true.

You will fill me up, but I have to turn to You.

Fill my cup, Lord. I truly believe that You are who You say You are, that You will work through me and change hearts.

Give me words to speak, Jesus. Give me a heart to love, as Yours. Give me courage and wisdom. This is all for You.

Jesus, I’m struggling with idolatry. I need You to redeem my heart, Lord. I will build my foundation on You through Your grace.

“But I, through the abundance of Your steadfast love, will enter Your house. I will bow down toward Your holy temple in fear of You. Lead me, O LORD, in Your righteousness because of my enemies; make Your way straight before me.”
~Psalm 5:7-8 

Sanctify me, Lord. I’m scared of what that will look like. But I want You so desperately. I need You.

I don’t know if I can get it all out on paper, but I wanna try. Volunteering at the church today really upset me. I don’t know exactly what is going on. I know we all sin. I know I shouldn’t have overheard what I did today. I’m scared. I don’t like that Your people are so unhappy. I don’t know what happened to the two men today, but it’s really upsetting.

Bombs all over the place.

Lord, if You call MacKenzie out of the group—which I think we both know You’re going to—send Your Spirit with both of us. Protect her and give her good rest tonight.

God, thank You for bunnies. No sarcasm intended. Really. Thank You for that playful side of Yourself that lead to their creation.

Help me to get through school, Lord. Redeem the busyness for Yourself. Let me image You, for I am an image-bearer.

Jesus, whatever’s been going on in my hart about boys…boy…let it not become idolatry. I really value the friendship there, and quite frankly I do desire for it to someday be something more. Lord, open my hand. Lead me to trust in You. If this is in Your will, put it on his heart to pursue me. If not, sustain me. Jesus, You are not a consolation prize. You are THE prize.

Open my clenched fist over everything, Lord. Right now I feel overwhelmed. Let me look to You. 

Jesus, thank You for protecting me with Your Spirit. Lord, Satan is working double-time right now. Please send Your protection over Your children. God, be with MacKenzie. Protect and hold her according to Your steadfast love.

You are so faithful, Lord. Forgive me for my wandering heart. Forgive me my anxiety, and my failure to trust in You. God, You are my rock. You have equipped me with strength and made my way blameless, Lord. Blessed be Your name. For real. 

There’s so much heaviness everywhere Jesus. It’s a lot, and I can feel it even when it isn’t directly on me. Protect us as we go deeper, Father. There’s darkness on both sides, but You are above it all.

Jesus, I’m having a hard time articulating my heart to my head. I’m feeling a lot of things and sometimes it feels like they cancel each other out.

Give me ears to listen to Your voice.

Let me mean these words, Lord. My thoughts are sinful, but You cleanse my heart and transform the core of who I am.

I am unworthy to be called an apostle, the least of the apostles, because I have hated God in my heart. Because I have destroyed His temple. Because I have feared man and not God. Because I’ve given away parts of myself to ungodly men and fallen into sexual sin. Because I’ve kissed girls to get attention and satisfy my curiosity. Because I’ve struggled with masturbation. Because my motivations have been for evil. Because I’ve been cruel to my family, especially my sister, even when she was suicidal. Because I’m depressed. Because I’m rebellious. Because I’m judgmental, self-centered, and self-righteous. Because I fake it.

“But by the grace of God, I am what I am, and His grace towards me was not in vain. On the contrary,  I worked harder than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me.”

For my sin is dead. The sin in my heart is no longer who I am, but clinging remnants of a self that has been nailed to the cross with Christ and has died.

For it is not me who lives, but Christ who lives within me. I am not my own, but I belong to Jesus, because He loved me and called me to receive His mercy. It has already been done, I am defined as a daughter of God.

One with Himself, I cannot die. My soul is purchased by His blood. My life is hidden with Christ on high, with Christ my Savior and my God.

Jesus, my motivation is always so sinful. My fear is that I’m faking everything sometimes.

Help me to fight the lie, Lord.

I hate the side of myself that came out today. I panic when things don’t go according to my plan and I lash out at others.

I felt disorganized leading. I didn’t feel like I was speaking from You. Sometimes I just feel awkward in social situations.

Lord, You know my desires. You know my heart. You know my sin. And You became that sin, and You put it to death. Let me hold onto that basic, elementary truth.

Please give me strength. Holy Spirit, pour into these people and the relationships I’m building. Give me courage and open doors. And work in my heart, Lord. Lead me to work OUT of a grace identity, not FOR it. Sometimes I have a hard time distinguishing the two. I need Your Spirit, God, and You have given it.

Lord, give me a heart of genuine, pure love. On my own, I have nothing. Thank You for Your love for me, even in my unfaithfulness. Even when I seek to use You to make myself look good. That sounds so stupid written out, but that is my heart.

Teach me that I am no longer a sinner, but I am Your daughter. I keep defining myself by my sin, but that is not who I am, Lord. Guide me to walk in that truth.

God, I’m so sick and exhausted from being on this roller coaster.

I want You.

Heal me Jesus. I truly believe that You can.