Jesus, I feel overwhelmed right now. I don’t know if it’s just physics or if I’m doing too much or if it’s a combination of the two, but right now I’m tired.

Sustain me, God. Let me not lose sight of where I’m going, which is towards You. My identity is not in all of these things I’m doing, but in You.

Here’s my heart, Lord, and it’s Yours.

What I’m doing.

School. Science classes. Biochem, physics, sociology. I’m supposed to be putting a minimum of 39 hours into this.

Leading small group. There are some girls that need to be poured into. I’ve had a one-on-one with almost all of them, more than one with some.

Nannying. Once a week, but extra this week.

Reception volunteering at the church. This time can overlap with studying, but this week there was so much busyness there that I didn’t get a lot done. So that’s 7.5 hours each week.

Greet team at church. I’m quitting and doing kid’s ministry instead, gotta get on that.

Counseling class, two hours on Sunday.

Church.

Disciple class, 1.5 hours a week.

Lunch get-togethers. Dinner get-togethers.

Time in the Word.

Leadership meeting next week.

I don’t wanna become proud of my busyness or defined by it. I’m doing alot.

Open my hands and my heart, Lord. You have given me wisdom from the Spirit. Sustain me, Jesus, according to Your love and mercy. These things I’m doing don’t give me any worth. Nothing can challenge my identity as Your daughter.

Heart Check. Again. Jesus, I am not desiring You. Why is it so natural to turn away and be distracted? I’m frustrated because I feel like I take every good thing You give and turn it into an idol. I have a hard time not swinging between idolatry and despair.

Jesus, I want to find joy in You. I want to desire You and walk forward in confidence through You. Give me a lasting foundation on You, let me not be swept away.

Lord, I’m restless, which is a fancy way of saying bored. Give me a zeal for You.

Overwhelming sense of the Holy Spirit last night. I was feeling really horrible about past sins. Not even sin from my partying days, but before. The way I treated Madison and led her to sin and where my heart was and that I was genuinely a really bad little kid.

All of those things are true, but God is so faithful. I cannot even understand how He would choose me. There is no good reason.

But he did. He even worked for it, to change my heart.

“Have I any pleasure in the death of the wicked, declares the Lord God, and not rather that he should turn from his way and live?”
~Ezekial 18:23 

“But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; god chose what is weak int eh world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, ‘Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.’”
~1 Corinthians 1:27-31 

God right now I feel unqualified. This is probably true.

You will fill me up, but I have to turn to You.

Fill my cup, Lord. I truly believe that You are who You say You are, that You will work through me and change hearts.

Give me words to speak, Jesus. Give me a heart to love, as Yours. Give me courage and wisdom. This is all for You.

Jesus, I’m struggling with idolatry. I need You to redeem my heart, Lord. I will build my foundation on You through Your grace.

“But I, through the abundance of Your steadfast love, will enter Your house. I will bow down toward Your holy temple in fear of You. Lead me, O LORD, in Your righteousness because of my enemies; make Your way straight before me.”
~Psalm 5:7-8 

Sanctify me, Lord. I’m scared of what that will look like. But I want You so desperately. I need You.

I don’t know if I can get it all out on paper, but I wanna try. Volunteering at the church today really upset me. I don’t know exactly what is going on. I know we all sin. I know I shouldn’t have overheard what I did today. I’m scared. I don’t like that Your people are so unhappy. I don’t know what happened to the two men today, but it’s really upsetting.

Bombs all over the place.

Lord, if You call MacKenzie out of the group—which I think we both know You’re going to—send Your Spirit with both of us. Protect her and give her good rest tonight.

God, thank You for bunnies. No sarcasm intended. Really. Thank You for that playful side of Yourself that lead to their creation.

Help me to get through school, Lord. Redeem the busyness for Yourself. Let me image You, for I am an image-bearer.

Jesus, whatever’s been going on in my hart about boys…boy…let it not become idolatry. I really value the friendship there, and quite frankly I do desire for it to someday be something more. Lord, open my hand. Lead me to trust in You. If this is in Your will, put it on his heart to pursue me. If not, sustain me. Jesus, You are not a consolation prize. You are THE prize.

Open my clenched fist over everything, Lord. Right now I feel overwhelmed. Let me look to You. 

Jesus, thank You for protecting me with Your Spirit. Lord, Satan is working double-time right now. Please send Your protection over Your children. God, be with MacKenzie. Protect and hold her according to Your steadfast love.

You are so faithful, Lord. Forgive me for my wandering heart. Forgive me my anxiety, and my failure to trust in You. God, You are my rock. You have equipped me with strength and made my way blameless, Lord. Blessed be Your name. For real. 

There’s so much heaviness everywhere Jesus. It’s a lot, and I can feel it even when it isn’t directly on me. Protect us as we go deeper, Father. There’s darkness on both sides, but You are above it all.

Jesus, I’ve just been fighting Your Spirit so much. My desires and motivation are so sinful, and my heart runs for darkness.

Come find me. I’m lost again.

I feel like I have not been leading very well at all, and my counsel to MacKenzie the other day was not from You but from my own agenda. Jesus, for You only I wanna rip out the nastiness. I do love her and want to point her to You, but I’m scared of being left behind if she dates someone and I stay single. And that is biasing what I say.

Thank You for conviction, Lord, but protect me from condemning myself with discipline. Lead me to cling to You and what You have done.

God, I wanna bring a big issue before You, and everything that comes with it. And that issue is depression. And me maybe having it. I don’t know what to do. Part of me does want a pill to fix my mind and lift the heaviness. I know that You are sufficient, but I’ve been fighting that truth and not believing it.

I feel so inadequate to deal with any of this. God, I’m scared that I’ve just learned to speak all the right words, but still keep my heart from truly being broken by Your truth. I’m scared I will fall away. I’m not trusting You to hold firm to me.

Psalm 18

Lift this darkness from me, Lord. You have rescued me and turned my heart to You. On my own, I am nothing. But You have given me worth for You, Lord. My life is hidden with Christ, and my sinful, prideful self is dead. You have made my path blameless and You are my rock. You hear my voice and You respond. Let me not be a parrot, Lord, and let me not turn back to be a pillar of salt, but make me a pillar of stone built upon You. I am guiltless before You because of what You have done for me.

Sustain me, Jesus. Protect me from distraction. Give me perseverance.

“He has delivered us form the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.”
~Colossians 1:13-14

Bleeeeh. That’s my heart right now God. 

1 Corinthians 1:7-9

So that you are not lacking in any gift as you wait for the revealing of our Lord Jesus christ, who will sustain you to the end, guiltless in the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is faithful, by whom you were called into fellowship of his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.

Getting Real:

Jesus, I don’t really know where to start. Hmm. Word vomit coming up. Disorganized word vomit.

I haven’t changed much. I still play out these theoretical situations in my head, and it warps my perception of reality.

So Angela asked me if there’s any unrepented-of sin in my life when I told her about my depression, and I really wasn’t sure. I’m trying to be honest. And being honest means being vulnerable. I’ve been guarding my heart against You and not against lies, and that’s wrong. So I’m gonna talk about the thing that makes me squirm. The thing I’m in denial about. You’ve walked me through my past (still walk me through my past) and all my nastiness of heart. I’ve prayed about this in my head and haven’t wanted to put in on paper because it reveals so much of how pathetic I am. It’s weird—I managed (through Your grace) to finally get masturbation down on paper but have been too scared to address the boy. I’ve been infatuated and created an idol. There. It’s on paper. I do value the friendship and I’m so grateful for where that friendship has brought me, but my mind has warped the situation. Today during worship, I asked myself if I had the opportunity to be in a relationship with him and You said no, would I have the strength or will to follow You? I wasn’t sure of the answer, and that scared me. And revealed a lot. Father, I need Your grace and heart change. This is not where You have called me right now, and this is not where my identity lies. Crush all other gods in my heart. There is no competition.